To every thing there is a season
by Esmeralda2134
Summary: It snows when Rory comes home to say goodbye. However, someone else is back in town- and some goodbyes are more final than others it seems. Literati, implied JavaJunkie. Inspired by the Gilmore Girl revival, this is my take on what happens during those four seasons.
1. Winter- Part I

**Winter - Part 1  
**

 _At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral_

They bury him on the day of the first snow. Heavy, white flakes fall from the sky as his casket is lowered into the ground. It is silent. The snow has swallowed all the noise, all signs of life, leaving an eery quiet. They stand in the biting cold, black foreign bodies in this white, strange world that does not make them feel like they belong in it today.

Rory looks over to her grandmother, standing straight in her dark coat, but looking so, so lost. Like this world will never make her feel like she belongs again, like the rope that tied her to her life has been ripped violently the moment his heart stopped beating and now she is just hanging on by threads, threads that are barely strong enough to hold her here, too weak to support her. Her grandmother catches her glance for a moment and Rory's heart clenches. The despair and grief her grandmother's eyes convey are almost unbearable. Rory wonders how she manages it, to stand here and to not let everyone see how shattered her heart must be. Tears run down Rory's face, leaving hot trails on her cheeks. The warmth feels unfamiliar, it doesn't fit into this cold, desolate world.

Her mother puts arm around her reassuringly, but Rory can feel her shake with silent sobs through the layers of their coats. _It is unfair_ , she thinks, _we weren't ready to lose him yet. We couldn't. We just can't._

She remembers what her mother said all those years ago, after seeing him in the hospital for the first time. _He always used to look so tall_. That is the way she wants to remember him, tall, upstanding, stoic, solid, sharp and witty and kind. This is the way she knows he'd want her to remember, not to dwell on the sickness, the pain. Cancer does not take its victims quietly and with dignity. It tries to break them first.

Today, when they lay to rest Richard Gilmore, he seems the tallest of them all. How else could it be that his absence has left such a giant hole in their lifes, their hearts?

* * *

She doesn't remember much of what happened at the wake. Her mind went blank when they finally left the graveyard, her mother and her gently leading her grandma in the direction of the car. She recalls fragments, checking on drinks and the food with the caterers, shaking distant relatives and friends' of her grandparents' hands, accepting condolences. Judging from the weird smell of her dress, Tatsy must have hugged her at some point, although she is not sure when that occured and she doesn't care.

Christopher was there. She does remember that. Her dad trying to console her, not quite knowing what to say to her, shuffling around akwardly, smelling of a glass of scotch or three and finally disappearing into the crowd again to keep some cousin of a cousin from saying more inappropriate things to Emily. She was glad he came and also kind of glad when he left. Moments like this always make her realize that even though he is her father, there is a rift between them, caused by his many years of only sporadic appearances in her life that will never be fully mended. She loves her dad, she really does, but the man who has been her real father figure growing up lies in the frosty ground now and has taken with him a feeling of safety she never felt with Christopher. He was never the one she could count on, and now, at 30 she still finds it hard to forgive that. He wants to be there for her and she appreciates it the way you appreciate a nice gesture. She has never learned to truly lean on him and now it seems like too much time has passed to allow for it. A part of her is saddened by that realization, but the sadness is only an after note to the grief she is feeling.

She is shaken from her thoughts when someone sits down on the sofa next to her. Lorelai looks worn and much, much older than she seemed a few weeks ago. Rory lays her head on her mother's shoulder like she used to when she was just a kid, and her mum absentmindly runs her fingers through her daughter's hair. " I am so glad you got into Chilton", Lorelai says some time later. Rory looks up at her mother in surprise. "Why are you thinking about Chilton right now?"

" Because if you hadn't, I would have never had to come back here...and I wouldn't have had a relationship with Dad at all. I mean, it was never easy with him and me, or with Mom, but to have missed it...to be here today and know him no less than all those people that told us how sorry they were for our loss, I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.", she admits, tearing up a little. "I am glad, too, then.", Rory replies thoughfully. " At least we had him for this big part of our lifes, right?". "Yeah, right.", Lorelai whispered.

"Mom?", Rory asks after a while, breaking the silence that has decended over them. "I am sorry that it was the first snow today. Of course it doesn't even matter...but the first snow was always something magical for us. Walking around the first snow always made us believe in good things yet to come. But now I will always think of this when it snows. I guess I am a little sad that is gone now.", her voice trails off.

"Oh honey, I would not be so sure about that", Lorelai squeezes Rory's arm affectionately. "I think maybe your grandpa was sending us a message. That there is still some magic left in this world for all of us, even though we might not feel like it today. Especially for you, sweetie.". Her mum smiles a little half-smile and for the first time since she picked up the phone a little over a week ago to hear her mother`s strangled voice tell her that there wasn't much time left now, the icy grip around her heart loosens up just a bit and she can feel a semblance of warmth. "I love you, Mom", Rory mumbles. "I love you, too, daughter of mine...and I think you should go home now. You haven't slept in days. I will stay with grandma tonight."

"Are you sure? I can stay if you need me to, I am okay, really.", Rory tries to reassure her mother. "No, it's fine, really. Please. Besides, I am not sure grandma can take you seeing her like this to be honest. She is rougher with me and I think that's what she'll need tonight."

Rory bites her lip before finally giving in to her mother's wishes. "Alright, but I will be back here first thing tomorrow morning." "Bye, honey, drive safe, okay?" "I promise", Rory says. On the way out she stops to say goodbye to her grandmother. Emily is sitting in Richard's study, a forlorn expression on her face. Then suddenly, her features twist in fury. She violently smashes her scotch glas (her grandmother usually hates scotch) onto the floor. "Damn it, Richard", she yells, "You promised me I'd get to go first! You promised. You promised", she cries. Lorelai appears by Rory's side, a concerned look on her face. " Go home", she whisperes. "She will be embarassed if you witness this. Please." "Okay". Rory turns to leave, her grandmother's cries following her on her way out. The last thing she hears her mother's soothing voice. " He fought as long as he could to stay with you, Mom. You know that." Then the door shuts behind her and the night swallows her.

* * *

It is past midnight when she finally passes the "Welcome to Stars Hollow" sign that no matter for how far or how long she is gone will forever fill her with the comfort of coming home, even if she does not feel like she belongs in this small town anymore, has given up the idea of coming back here permanently a while ago.

She drives past Luke's and is surprised to find the lights on in the apartment above. She has assumed Luke would be at her house, well his house now, his and her mom's, probably keeping busy by making them comfort food, though no one had an appetite for anything the last couple of days. She stops the car and is considering going in to talk to him, when she finally takes notice of the car parked outside the diner. It is not Luke's familiar truck, but a black, inconspicuous Subaro...if only it wasn't for the Pennsylvania licence plate.

She halfway expects him to be asleep in the backseat in his old leather jacket. It feels like a lifetime ago, and is has really been ten years. She wonders why he chose this day of all days to come back. Her heart picks up a beat or two, has suddenly been reminded that she is not the one who died, that she is alive and that she can never be calm and collected when it comes to the man behind that door. _This time he hasn't come to tell me he loved me_. At least that one is a certainty she can rely on. It has been almost three years since she last saw him. And she wants to see him now. There is this inexplicable rush, this rush of feeling anything but grief, the surprise that her curiosity and anticipation can overpower it even for just a short moment, that makes her unbuckle her seat belt and and get out of her car, grab the spare key from above the door and unlock it. She pushes open the door and hears footsteps on the staircase a second later. "Luke?", an unmistakable voice asks into the dark. "What are you doing back here?". He fumbles for something and she is momentarily blinded as the light bulbs flicker and come to light. When her eyes have adjusted to the brightness, she can see him staring at her from across the room, surprise clearly written on his face.

"Hey", he utters eventually. "Hey", she responds, nervously twisting her hands in her coat pockets. "What are you doing here?", she asks, as it becomes clear he hasn't intended to say much more on his own account. "Hanging out with Doula while Liz and TJ go to some sort of christening ceremony in Charlotte. Luke was supposed to do it, but well...They would have cancelled but apparently their lunatic friends decided they'd make perfect godparents for their twins. So here I am." "Okay..that's nice." "Yeah? You think so?", he grins. She almost smiles back.

Suddenly he is serious again. "I am really sorry about your grandfather, Rory. I just want you to know that.", he tells her. "Thanks", she mumbles, the weight of the day coming to rest on her shoulders again. "I think I should head home. I just wanted to say hi" "Alright, just wait for a second", he asks her and then quickly walks up the stairs. He reappears a moment later, holding a book in his hands. "I bookmarked a passage I thought you might appreciate", he said. She takes the book from him slowly. He leans down slightly to catch her gaze. Their eyes lock and for a second Rory is certain he is going to pull her to him, to hug her and to tell her she'll be okay. She desperately wants him to, wants the man who convinced her to see the error in her ways and go back to Yale to pull an even bigger act and somehow convince her that this is going to be okay as well.

He doesn't though, he instead settles for gently touching her arm, only for a moment. Then he lets go and she remembers that the man she was hoping to see only exists in her memories. Too much time has passed, too many years have gone by and really, they are barely more than strangers to each other now. What was she expecting?

So she leaves the diner, book in hand, gets in her car and goes home.

As she lies wide awake in her childhood bedroom at 3 am though, she can't resist. She takes the book he handed her earlier and opens it to the page he bookmarked. It is Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. She has read it many years ago. She whispers the words he has marked.

 _"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there. It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so as long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away."_

In the margins, in Jess's still familiar handwriting, it says:

 _Your grandfather left most of those things. Remember you have not lost all of him then._


	2. Winter- Part II

**Winter- Part 2**

 _Why don't we end this lie_

 _I can't pretend this time_  
 _I need a friend to find my broken mind,_  
 _Before it falls to pieces_

Some old Billy Talent song is blasting through her speakers as Rory pulls on the Interstate. Lane made her a mix CD: "Best and worst songs of the 2000s, so we remember we are old now", she said with a smile while handing it over. Rory muses if the song qualifies as one of the best or the worst songs in Lane's books, but personally she really likes it, so she cranks up her car's stereo even higher.

She is finally on the road headed back to the big apple. Yes, she mentally still calls it that, even after living the big city life for a couple of years now. She has to admit, she is glad she is on her way. It was hard to bury her grandfather. It was hard to sit there while his lawyer read his will. It was harder to see her grandmother walk around the big house manically starting to pack up his stuff, as if she couldn't wait to be done with it. Rory knows she shouldn't judge her so harshly. This is just the way Emily deals with things. She needs to resume control of the situation, to do something, to do anything, to cope with the immense helplessness she must feel. She knows her grandmother couldn't bring herself to sleep in her own bed since Richard died. She heard her crie herself to sleep in Lorelai's old room - her old room? (for a short time anyways), until she collapsed from exhaustion.

She realizes all that and still she had to bite her tongue to not lash out at her grandmother. It felt like tarnishing her grandfather's memory. To banish him to the basement, to put into storage with out-of -stlye furniture, unseasonable curtains and the 13th portrait of George Washington purchased at some charity function. Demeaning his existence to a dusty storage room that you never open, along with the things that you can't bring yourself to throw away but serve as nothing but a reminder of the life you used to have a long time ago, with no bearing on your future.

So she watched in silent seething rage until her mother told her it might be better for her to leave. "I get it, honey, I truly do", she whispered, as she dragged Rory out of Emily's earshot. "But you can not dictate how she deals with her grief. I know it hurts you, but you need to let her have this. Whatever makes her hold it together right now, we need to let her have it. I promise to watch she doesn't do any irreparable damage.". " I know", Rory admitted grudgingly and wondered when her mother had gotten so level headed.

It is freeing to be on the road. She has been feeling stifled, by everyone's attention and by old memories alike. Also, the possibiliy of running into Jess has lingered on her mind the entire time she was in Stars Hollow.

She hasn't seen him though, not after the night he gave her the book. The very book that is in the trunk of her car now, in a box of her grandfather's books he left her. His favorites, as was stated in his will. He made a list. Her grandmother had them packed already, so she didn't have a choice but take them with her immediatly. She thinks of the quote Jess picked to console her though, and she thinks maybe these books are her part of him that she gets to keep.

* * *

It is very dark and cold by the time she pulls up to her apartment. She briefly wonders if James is going to be there (and only partly because she could use a hand or two carrying the box up her third floor walk-up), but he hasn't said anything, so she doesn't expect it. He hardly ever shows up unanounced. Also, they might still be on the outs because she refused to let him come home with her for this week of emotional turmoil. It has been very obvious that is was displeased by her decision to do this on her own. James would never say that to her, always respectful of her wishes, so damn respectful, never openly critizing her, but she can tell by the way his mouth twitched when she told him. She'll deal with him another day.

She parks her car and carries the book box upstairs, having to take a couple of breaks on the way, then goes back down to retrieve her suitcase. It feels weird to be back in her apartment. There are still signs of her hasty departure, her clothes strewn on her bed, a half-empty mug of coffee sitting on her kitchen table, the doors of her bathroom cabinet wide open. It doesn't make her feel welcome. Like the girl that left was an entirely different person than the woman standing by the door, feeling strangely detached from this life she is leading.

In an effort to become more comfortable, Rory starts cleaning up the traces of her sudden departure and then unpacks her suitcase. The mindless chores help her settle back into her apartment a little.

However, Rory hesitates before opening the box of books. A few tears escape though she pinches her eyes closed to stop herself from crying. She slowly picks up a volume and places it on her book shelf. The familiar smell of her grandfather's office still cling faintly to the pages. She keeps shelving the books until there are only a few left at the bottom of the box. She has to smile despite the sadness that weights her down, like wearing one of those plumb radiation protection vests constantly, making every move just a bit slower, a bit more strenous.

Sitting at the bottom of the box are all six volumes of "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire". Rory opens the first volume and gasps slightly. There is a dedication. The penmanship is familiar, but slightly irregular, like it must have cost the person holding the pen a lot of energy to keep from shaking. Her grandpa must have written this when he was already very sick.

 _Dear Rory,_

 _I did not wish to make this dediction all sentimental. However, I need what little time I have left to make sure that you will be fine. I am not certain if you realize how immensely proud both I and your grandmother are of the formidable and lovely woman that you have become. I am not a man who knows how to express his feelings with ease, but be assured that I love you and your mother very much and I wish you all the happiness in the world. There is no one more deserving of it._

 _However, you will unfortunately not read this dedication in a time of happiness for our family. I have just one request to make to you, Rory. I do not fear that you are not strong enough. I know you have got the Gilmore strenght and determination. But I fear that sometimes you - like me- don't let other people in. I have struggled in my marriage with Emily and my relationship with Lorelai, to be open about my feelings and instead of sparing them like I intended I have sometimes wounded them deeply. I do not wish for you to repeat this mistake. Unlike your mother, we both are inclined to follow head over heart, but sometimes I fear that is not the smart decision at all. I feel this most strongly when I witness your mother with Luke. Despite my reservations, and my overall assumption in the beginning that he might not be appropriate for her regarding his status in society, I can see that my strong independent daughter lets him support her, share the weight of the world she might feel resting on her shoulders._

 _Forgive me for saying I have not seen this kind of companionship between you and your current boyfriend or the young man you have been seeing before him. I just wish to urge you to consider letting someone support you._

 _The time I refused to let my wife share my burdens, I had time to finish reading this book which bored me beyond measure - I am sure Emily found it appropriate punishment. Figurativly speaking, I hope you shall never find reason to embark on this same endeavor. I am certain there is not a single man out there that could ever be worthy of your spirit, of your beauty and your kindness, my dear girl, but I hope you will find someone that you will deem worthy._

 _I am lucky to have been your grandfather, Rory Gilmore._

 _Love,_

 _Richard._

* * *

It is past 2 AM when Rory has collected herself enough to make a decision. She picks up her phone, scrolls through her contacts, stares hard at James' name in her missed calls list, hesitates...and finally calls Lorelai instead.

Her mother picks up at the second ring. "Rory?", she exclaims worried, "Hey..I'm sorry for calling so late. Nothing happened.", Rory says quietly, but her voice quivers slightly. "No, honey, it's fine...I was awake anyways. What's going on?", Lorelai asks.

"I was just unpacking grandpa's books...and he wrote me a letter. Or a dedication, it is in "Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire". "

"Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire?", Lorelai questions. "It was what he was reading when grandma and he were seperated. It is supposed to be symbolic".

"I am sorry, I am confused", Lorelai admits. "He wrote me...he told me that I should not be afraid to let someone in. That I shouldn't let my head rule my heart all the time. It is a symbol of how keeping things to himself almost ruined his marriage back then.", Rory tries to explain.

" I guess...I am just wondering if he is right. If I have been doing this wrong." Her mother is very quiet for a while. "Well...you have never worn your heart on your sleeve. And to be honest...I was a little confused that you wouldn't want to have James around this week. I though he might have helped you."

"I think he is mad at me for that", Rory mumbles. "I don't know, Mom, if things get hard, sometimes I just shut down...I can't deal with people. You being the exception of course".

Lorelai smiles at that. "That is very sweet of you, and you'll always have me. But James is your boyfriend and you should want him to be there for you, too."

"Grandpa thinks...thought that James is not the right man for me", Rory utters. " He wrote...he wrote he does not see what you and Luke have when he looks at us. He said that is what he wants for me". Rory can hear her mother take a deep breath. "After all this time...I never knew if he really approved of Luke. I am glad to hear he did. But it took me and Luke a very long time to get there. Just because you and James are not there yet doesn't mean you can't be. It depends on what you think."

"I don't know", Rory sights. "I love him, I do. But James...he wants to move forward, I know he wants to get married and have a family and I know rationally that is the next step and we are both in our 30s, so I guess it is time. But every time he brings it up, I just freeze. I know I am stalling. I don't knw why. I mean, I took more steps with Logan when I was 22 than I am willing to take now with James."

"You need to figure out if you're just afraid or if you maybe James is not the man you should be with", Lorelai says firmly. "But you don't need to figure it out tonight."

"Mom?", Rory asks. "How did you do it? To wait for the right guy, to not settle." " I wish I did, sweetie. But I stopped having faith for a while there and I married your dad then. In my gut, though, I felt it was wrong. I could never fully trust Chris. Not the way I trust Luke."

"Thanks, Mom". "You're welcome, kid. Can I confess something as well?" "Yes, what's the matter?" "Well, you know how Luke and I decided to not get married after we got back together, because the wedding pressure was one of the reasons we broke up? And the more time that has passed, the sillier it seemed that we might need a marriage license to prove that we are it for each other. But..the thing with dad, it made me realize that it is important after all, to be married. That I want to be married. So...Luke and I talked and we are going to do it. Get married for real."

"Oh my god, Mom, this is amazing! I am so happy for you", Rory squealed, momentarily forgetting her own issues. "Have you decided on a date yet?"

"No...I want to talk to grandma first, to make sure she can handle this so shortly after everything. I am going to give it some time for her sake. But soon, yeah. Really soon."

Mother and daughter spend some more time taking on the phone, quiet voices travelling through the darkness, both feeling a lot better at the prospect of the wedding.

After Rory finally hangs up the phone, she is too giddy from sleep deprivation and her mother's news to go to sleep, even though it is nearing 4 am. So she sits at her desk, taking out a pen and paper. She frowns as a distant memory of a sixteen year old version of her in a remarkable similar situation flashes before her eyes. Determinedly, she presses the pen down, the first letter a dark imprint on the page. **  
**

_**D** ear Jess..._


	3. Spring- Part I

**Spring- Part 1**

 _And I've been a fool and I've been blind_

 _I can never leave the past behind_

 _I can see no way, I can see no way_

 _I'm always dragging that horse around_

It takes him a while to get back to her. The first week after she mailed that letter, there'd be a little surge of energy every time her phone alerted her to a new message, a slight nervous buzz in her stomach every time an email popped up on her computer. But almost two months have passed since she spent about an hour circling the mail box, ultimately deciding on mailing that letter, all the while silently berating herself for even making such a fuss about one stupid letter to an ex-boyfriend. It wasn't like she was sending him a love letter, for god's sake.

So when her phone finally rings one early thursday evening as she is stepping out of the office into the chill of early march, Rory is completely unsuspecting. She fumbles around in her hand bag for her phone, not paying attention to where she's going, almost tripping on the uneven sidewalk. Finally, her hand closes around the smooth exterior of her phone and she pulls it out of her bag with relief. "Hey", she says rather breathless, expecting another call from her mother concerning wedding plans and reminders of what scandalous extravagance she's expecting for her bachelorette party (Rory sometimes can't shake the feeling Lorelai might be more excited for the bachelorette party than the wedding). The line is silent for a second. "Um...hey", a distintively male voice responds. The nervousness that has gradually dissipated the longer Rory hasn't heard from him comes rushing back instantaneously. She doesn't need the next words that come out of his mouth to identify who is calling her. She'd still know that voice everywhere. "It's Jess"

"Jess...hey. I didn't expect to hear from you.", she tries to sound calm and collected, but there is a little hitch in her voice that probably betrays how uneasy she feels.

" Sorry...I wanted to talk to you. Bad time?", he asks. "No", she replies, too quickly. "I'm glad you called" "Yeah?". She can almost hear his grin through the phone. " Yeah", she agrees. "Good, because I actually have a proposition for you, Gilmore". "Are you not done propositioning me, Jess?", she quips, and immediately bites her tongue afterwards. He laughs. "I think it is the other way around. I received this letter recently, girl said she sent it more than a decade too late though. I must have left quite the impression. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Rory blushes and is quite happy Jess is unable to see her right now. "It was not that kind of letter, Jess", she finally tells him, her voice taking a more serious note. "I really just wanted to know how you are doing. To catch up, to talk. After all, we'll be family soon, right?". "Urg", he grimaces. "Don't remind me, I still need to write a best man's speech and mentally prepare to come back to that mad house you call home."

"But, I agree. We should really catch up. And I would prefer to do that without all of Stars Hollow watching.", he concludes. Rory lets out a breath she hasn't realized she's been holding. At least he doesn't consider her tentative offer of some semblence of friendship a naive stupid joke, as she has feared.

"So listen...I am going to drive up to New York tomorrow, to meet with my publisher. Maybe we could have dinner. I know this is short notice." "No, no, that's fine, I don't have much planned for tomorrow night anyways, I can reschedule that", Rory quickly replies. "Okay...see you tomorrow, then?", he asks. "Yes, see you tomorrow."

"Oh, and Rory?", he asks, just as she is about to hang up. "I am glad I called, too.".

She is still smiling as she gets to the restaurant where she's meeting James for dinner. "What has you in such a good mood?", he asks. "Oh, just got a call from an old friend that will be in town tomorrow. It will be nice to catch up.", she says. "Sure"

While Rory enjoys a nice evening with James (and really, they haven't had that many for a while, after the fallout after the funeral), her mind keeps drifting to Jess. She is so, so truly glad he called. Maybe disconcertingly so. Then again, with Jess, she has never been able to see that clearly. She is just suddenly very relieved Lorelai is not around to call her out on it.

* * *

They meet the next day. Rory is early, nervously clutching her sixth cup of coffee for the day, shuffling from one foot to the other. Jess exactly 7 minutes 23 seconds late (yes, she counted in her head, because with every second that passed she grew more certain that he wouldn't show). They agreed to meet at West 4 St Street, close to Washington Square park. For sentimental value or because he was in the area, Rory doesn't know. She spotts him easily enough in the crowd of people pushing their way out of the station. She waves at him and he makes his way over to her, smiling slightly. "No longer afraid of the subway, Gilmore?", he quips. She shakes her head, grinning. "It's good to see you", he says, hesitating slightly and then giving her a short hug. She smiles. "You, too...so, what do you want to do for dinner?"

They end up in a small restaurant around the corner. The place has a cozy, bohemian college bar vibe, and Rory feels five years younger just stepping through the doors. It makes a nice change from polished Manhattan cocktail bars though, where James likes to take her. But she could never see Jess there, and it has the added bonus that chances of running into anyone that she knows are a lot slimmer here. Not that is would matter, anyways. This is just two friends catching up. Period. She just didn't want James to consider tagging along, possibly leading to a vivid revival of their last genuine attempt at catching up all those years ago. Even though that might have been the most important screwed up attempt of her life, as it ended with her going back to Yale. Still.

They each order a burger, the food is delicious and Rory smiles when she notices Jess still going for the salt-and-pepper dip for his fries. Conversation flows easily as they discuss Luke and Lorelai's impending wedding. Jess laughs as Rory recounts Lorelai's most crazy ideas for the ceremony and Emily's shocked response to them (No, Lorelai, it is absolutely unacceptable for you to have a "Game of Thrones" themed wedding! It is wedding, not your 12th birthday party). "It does not sound like a good plan, does it?", Jess asks "The weddings never ended well on that show." "You watched that?", Rory asks, surprised. "Never pegged you for a fantasy fan". He shrugs. "I'm not. But my girlfriend is obsessed with it, so there is really no escaping."

"Girlfriend?", Rory asks nonchalantly. She distantly remembers Lorelai saying something about Jess dating someone, but it was hard for her to picture him with someone. He shrugs. "Yeah, her name is Quinn. She's a photographer. Met when she was showcasing some of her work at the Truncheon. We've been together for about a year now. Made me watch five seasons of Game of Thrones. End of story.", he grins. "How about you?" She wonders if he feels equally uneasy discussing this with her as she feels hearing about this Quinn. Her palms are sweaty, so she wipes them on her jeans. "I'm seeing someone. He hates Game of Thrones, though." She doesn't elaborate and he doesn't ask, just nods.

"So...are you writing a new book?", she changes the topic. "You must be, if you're meeting with your publisher". "Maybe", Jess responds. "That's great! What is is about?", she looks at him, curiosity shining in her cerulean eyes. She tries to mask it by giving him her best puppy dog eyes. "Tell me, please".

"Okay, but it has to be our secret". He leans in conspiratorially. "See, my new book is about this woman", he mumbles into her ear. " She is very impatient. So she reverts to unfair methods to get a guy to tell her a secret. Like what his new book is about, instead of waiting for it to be published." He grins at her, daringly, still up close in her personal space. There is a split second where she instinctively leans in closer, her eyes meeting his, her lips curling into a smile, responding to his challenge. "Does this woman succeed?", she whispers. "Well, you'll need to wait till the book comes out to discover that", he smirks. Rory snaps out of the moment, leaning back in her chair a little too hastingly for it to seem natural. He doesn't comment on it, though, just takes a sip of his beer. "Too bad".

"What about you?", Jess asks eventually. "I'm on the editorial staff of the New Yorker", Rory replies, a big smile spreading on her face. She really is proud of this accomplishment and absolutely loves her job. "Do you still get to write a lot?" "I still write the occasional piece, but mostly I edit and organize, assign stories and pitch ideas to my boss", Rory says. "But honestly, I like it this way. It is kind of funny how it turned out in retroperspective.", she laughs sheepishly. He gazes at her expectantly.

"Well...Logan's father once told me I didn't have what it takes to become a sucessful journalist.", she explains. "At first I believed him and then later on I thought he was being intentionally cruel because he disapproved of my relationship with his son, but he might not have been all that wrong about me. I am not a bad writer, but I am a better editor."

"I can't believe he told you that. Is that why you dropped out of Yale?", he guesses angrily. She nods. "But it doesn't matter now. Besides, he wasn't the first one to tell me...You were." " I didn't mean it", he insists. She smiles. "I know. Still, you were right. What I had in mind back then, it would have been too rough for me. When I was writing for the Obama campaign, I think I wrote decent pieces. But I never had that urge to take it one step further to get the best scoop, no matter if it hurt other people. I was never relentless in my pursuit and when I had to be for the sake of my story, I hated it. I am really happy where I am at now."

"That's good. Really good." They smile at each other, sitting in comfortable silence for a moment, before changing the conversation to the books they have recently read and if Donald Trump's candidacy for presidency is a travesty or the most brilliant social satire of all times.

It is way past midnight when they finally split the bill and get up to leave. Jess waits with her on the sidewalk as she tries to hail a cab, his face illuminated by the traffic lights, dark eyes vibrant, his jawline enhanced by what is now more a 2 AM than a five o'clock shadow and she feels so alive next to him despite the nightly chill, like the energy of the city is pulsing through her and he is her fuse, intensifing this exquisite, acute rush of happiness, of freedom. He always brought out these emotions in her. It was what drew her to him so strongly when she was seventeen and sheltered and had no idea what she was searching for (excitement, passion, a get out of my smalltown world free card?), just that she couldn't stay away from him.

A cab pulls over and she steps forward, opening the door, turning around to say goodbye to him. "It was really good to see you, Rory". He steps closer to give her a hug. She leans into him for a moment. He pulls back halfway, his gaze meeting hers, his arm still resting comfortably on her lower back. "I'll see you at the wedding". "Bye, Jess" "Bye, Rory". He lets go of her completely and after a moment of hesitation, she gets into the cap and closes the door behind her. She watches him standing on the sidewalk as the cap pulls away and thinks that this was a very successful attempt of catching up at last. A bit too successful maybe. She doesn't wish to dwell on that, though. It is ridiculous after all, that he should still make her feel this way after all those years.

So she tells the cap driver that she changed her mind and gives him James' adress instead. She should focus on her future, not her past. They are friends. He has a girlfriend. She has James. These flickers of feelings that surfaced are just remembrances of the past, nothing to worry about, she tells herself with conviction.

They are friends.


	4. Spring- Part II

**Spring - Part 2  
**

AN: Just so you can follow the story line better, here is the brief timeline for the the wedding chapter: Rory gets to Stars Hollow on Wednesday, the bachelorette' party is on Thursday, the rehearsal dinner takes place on Friday and the wedding is on Saturday.

* * *

 _Even the half smile would have slowed down the time_  
 _If I could call you half mine_  
 _Maybe this is the safest way to go_  
 _We're singing_  
 _Heya heya heya heya_  
 _Heya, heya heya_  
 _This is the safest way to go nobody gets hurt_  
 _We're singing_  
 _Heya heya heya heya_  
 _Heya, heya heya_  
 _You go back to him and then I'll go back to her_

She pulls up in front of the house that is still home to her, despite the fact she hasn't lived here permanently for over a decade. Lorelai is impatiently awaiting her arrival, getting up from the porch immediately the second she spots Rory's car and making her way over to her from across the lawn. It reminds Rory of when she used to come home from college for the weekends. Her mother has always been so eager to see her, and she can't say how glad she is that despite everything that has changed over the years, this- her mother and her, as the closest of friends- has remained. Lorelai has much returned to her old, chipper demeanor since the longer lighter spring days as well as the wedding plans have somewhat eased the burden of the grief for them both. "Fruit of my loins", her mother squeals in true form as she pulls open the car door, barely giving Rory time to turn off the engine and unbuckle. "Mom!", she exclaims, feeling equally elated. " I can't believe you're getting married this weekend. "I know!", Lorelai grins. "I have finally managed to use my womanly wiles for something useful. Eternal coffee supply." "Such a formidable match, Mum." "Now, honey, if you could just dump James and marry an heir to a pizza delivery dynasty, we'd be set for life."

"I'll see what I can do", Rory promises. "Anyways, when is James getting here?", Lorelai asks, as the two Gilmore girls make their way towards the door. "He'll get in early on Friday", Rory says with a frown. "He had to drive a hard bargain with his boss to even get one day off." "Well, I don't mind", her mother smiles. "I get my one and only daughter to myself for two days. That's an early wedding present." Rory agrees. "Well, of course I have to share her with an entire town of crazy people.", Lorelai amends her earlier statement. "So let's go to Luke's and get started on that. Besides, Jess has arrived yesterday and you should see Taylor watching him like a hawk through the window from the soda shop, it is hilarious." "Yes, let's go", the younger Gilmore proclaims. "I need to see that."

* * *

They can hear Luke and Taylor argue long before they even come into sight. Taylor's face has gone beet red and he seems so mad Rory is worried the five remaining strands of hair he has meticulously combed in place will radiate off his skull from the sheer force of his agitation. "Lucas, what you simply seem to be unable to grasp is that this nephew of yours is still troubled. Just because he is now an author doesn't mean he is above disturbing the public peace in this town. You have never realized the seriousness of the transgressions he committed as a teenager and you simply refuse to accept that it would be best for everyone if you didn't invite him back here." "It is my fucking wedding on Saturday, Taylor", Luke yells, angrily pointing to the town square where the ceremony is going to take place. "You've made me obtain 34 damn permits so I can marry Lorelai in that town square, and still expected to be invited. And Lorelai, for whatever reasons, actually was daft enough to actually invite you. Now you have the nerve to tell me to send my best man away because you are still suspicious of him for his behavior when he was just a kid?! Unbelievable.". Luke turns around and angrily walks back towards the diner, only to be stopped in his tracks by two Gilmore Girls grinning from ear to ear. "Of course you find this amusing", Luke accuses Lorelai, before pulling Rory in a brief hug to welcome her. "Darling, you and Taylor fighting will never get old. It is part of the entertainment package I get for marrying you", Lorelai teases, but kisses Luke's cheek in a gesture of conciliation. Luke grumbles, but can't quite suppress a smile. "Well, then, let's get you girls some coffee".

Jess is standing behind the counter, busy preparing a new pot of coffee, but looks up as the doorbell chimes. "Back from defending my honor, Uncle Luke?", he quips, and sounds not one day older than seventeen. "Stop calling me that or I will actually let Taylor have a town meeting about banishing you from this town", Luke threatens. "And if I smell any detergent on you, you can find a new place to sleep." Jess holds up his hands in mock defense. "But Uncle Luke, where would I go? Is there even any place to live but the grand Stars Hollow?", he asks, almost convincingly desperate. "Shut up and give me some coffee", Lorelai interjects. Jess salutes. "Coming up at once, Aunt Lorelai". "Urgg, I am starting to side with Taylor on the matter", Lorelai exclaims, but unlike old times, she is smiling as she says it. Jess finally drops the act, smiling as he pours her a cup of coffee. "Would you still say that if I told you I made the coffee twice as strong because I knew you guys would stop by? Kirk still hasn't recovered." Indeed, Kirk is doing jumping jacks outside the diner. "In that case, you are forgiven, almost nephew in law". "Good." Jess finally meets Rory's eyes, who has been watching his exchange with her mother intensely. "Hey", he says, much more quietly. "Good to see you again." She smiles, before leaning over the counter to sniff him. "You DO smell of detergent! Why would Luke find that suspicious?" "Well", his lips twist up in a mischievous smile. "Have you ever seen the ridiculous fountain Taylor put in his front yard next to these horrendous gnomes? Someone- not me, of course- thought they deserved a bubble bath". Of course the image is brilliant, especially imagining Taylor's fury. She is about to respond, but Lorelai, who seems to have been listening, is dragging her up from her bar stool. "I need to see this. Bride's orders.", she exclaims happily. "By the way, Jess...if my future husband does kick you to the curb, for this you will have a life-long reservation at the Dragonfly.". She even winks at him as she pushes Rory out of the door. The younger Gilmore laughs at her mother's enthusiasm, smiling brightly at Jess as her mother drags her along.

As they stand before Taylor's front yard, admiring Jess's work of art - and it really is a fairy tale wonderland, the gnomes covered in thick white foam, bubbles still rising from the fountain and gliding though the air, the Gilmore girls giggling in childish excitement at the sight, Rory can't help but remember how much this town desperately needs its hoodlum.

* * *

It is the night of the rehearsal dinner and Rory is feeling pleasantly tipsy after a few glasses of champagne. James has already left, offering to help carry some things over to the house, while she has stayed behind at the Dragonfly to clean up and put some final touches on decorations. She enjoys a moment of peace while moving from table to table setting up the place cards in the dining room. She can hear distant noises from the kitchen, where Sookie will undoubtedly bustle around to make sure everything is perfect until Jackson comes back to drag her home by the hair. As she hears footsteps approaching, she looks up to find Jess standing on the other side of the room, carrying a box with table decorations. He smiles as he catches her glance. "This is the last of it", he sighs in relief. "And even better now that it has all been moved from the apartment, I can finally get a night of sleep without nightmares of being smothered in my sleep by lace ruffles." "Your watch as unwilling head of the decoration committee has ended", Rory teases, and Jess, after pretending to flee from the scene of crime, helps her put the finishing touches on the room anyways. Together they stand and admire their work (well, Rory does anyways). "It's beautiful", he admits. "You did a good job." "We did." "Well...I am surprised you are still standing today after the stories I heard about last night's bachelorette party", Jess exclaims playfully. "Oh that was all my Mum", Rory grins. "I'll have you know I was very well behaved." "Never expected anything else from you." They continue to banter as they make their way out of the Dragonfly. It is one of those first few nights where you can actually be outside without feeling a chill, one of those nights that promise a summer yet too come and leave you elated in its wake and Rory doesn't feel like going home. She hesitates before turning to Jess. "Fancy walking with me for a while?" He doesn't ask why, just falls into step beside her.

After wandering around for a while, inevitably really, they end up on the bridge. They sit in comfortable silence for a while, feet dangling above the water, not quite touching but close enough that Rory can feel the heat radiating off his skin. "I am really glad we are talking again", Rory admits quietly after a while. "Me, too.", Jess replies. "Though is does feel like going back in time. To be back here in this town, this place, with you." "Yeah", she laughs a little shakily, before they lapse into silence again. This time, he is the one to break it. "It was Luke, you know? Luke and Lorelai. The reason I came to Yale that night. He took her to Liz' wedding. He finally found the courage to show her how he felt. And I guess in some idiotic way I thought maybe I could do the same. Of course, I royally messed it up.", he clears his throat. "Why...why are you telling me now?", she asks hesitantly. "Because of something I will say in my toast tomorrow and while I won't mention names or anything, I thought maybe I should clear that up. Just..so you don't get the wrong idea." "Okay..." "There was a part of me that wanted to go with you", Rory confesses. "I just didn't trust you". "You were right not to." Suddenly the night air seems charged with tension between them. Jess moves his hand the tiniest bit, slowly, so slowly reaching over. He doesn't grasp her hand, instead starts drawing small circles on the inside of her palm and her wrist with his thumb. This small touch feels so intimate though, it makes her skin tingle, her heart race. Their eyes meet, and she can read in his dark orbs that he is feeling it as well. Then, gathering all her courage, she winds her fingers though his, really taking his hand. His stares at her intensely, silent questions in his eyes she doesn't have an answer to. So she tells him something else. "The night of the firelight festival...if you hadn't run, I would have said it back." "Really?", he asks, astonished. She nods. "Despite everything." She looks down at their joined hands, marveling at how they ended up here together again, despite everything. Her stomach is flipping nervously, but she leans forward anyways, pressing her lips to his. A bolt of electricity shuts through her as their lips touch. It's a rush of adrenaline, getting her so, so high. Only suddenly he is pulling back, leaving her to spiral down on her own.

"No, Rory", he exclaims harshly his voice bitter and cutting and cold as a blade. "Fuck, you won't do that again. We can't do this again.". He jumps to his feet."I wasn't..", she tries to defend herself while getting up as well, taken aback by his sudden rejection. He just arches an eyebrow, eyes piercing into hers, daring her to deny it. Silence descends over them again, but this time it is suffocating. It is so quiet Rory can not only feel, but almost hear the blood rush to her cheeks. They stand in unspoken conflict, battle lines clearly drawn. His gaze is unrelenting, unforgiving. She yields finally, averting her gaze and turning, quickly walking away from him. He doesn't call after her. She doesn't expect him to.

Her mind is a jumbled mess, replaying his hand in hers, his mouth on hers, his eyes the moment she leaned in in staccato intervals. And in between, James, glaring at her accusingly. She figures she lost the battle, but maybe Jess stopped her from starting a war. The thought is an uncomfortable one, stays in the back of her mind, itching, throbbing, impossible to ignore. Why was she so ready to go back there, to put herself in the path of destruction that is the inadvertent consequence of her and Jess? Maybe because peace has lost all appeal a while ago. He reminds her, so urgently, what is felt like to be reckless and passionate, out of control. The kind of excitement that leaves your head spinning and your stomach clench. That there is more to feel than this lukewarm, mellow affection she has for James. That she once knew what it felt like to be in love, head over heels and without holding back. She thinks of her grandfather's letter and wonders how he could see so clearly what she's been denying for a while now.

When she arrives at her mother's house, she finds James sitting on the porch, waving at her cheerfully. His smile falters as soon as he sees her expression. She swallows. "We need to talk."

* * *

The next morning is uncomfortable, to say the least. Rory doesn't want her mother to worry about her, least of all on her wedding day, but James' absence is very obvious and demands an explanation, one that is not easily given, especially with Emily standing next to her. For now, she gets away with some feeble excuse about how her mother's marriage has made her realize she couldn't ever image marrying James, and that is not a lie, after all. The way Lorelai looks at her suspiciously makes her suspect this won't be the end of the conversation though.

Emily is remarkably calm about the whole thing, which makes her question if her grandmother shared some of her grandfather's misgivings about her relationship. The oldest Gilmore just sighs and claims she will fix the seating order. As grandmother pulls out the seating chart to rearrange it, her eyes land on a name. _Quinn Harvey._ She suddenly remembers with ice cold clarity that Jess is bringing a date to this wedding. His talented girlfriend, who probably has arrived by now straight from some exhibition she had to attend. Her insides twist entirely unpleasant at the thought. And oh god, Jess is going to have to walk her down the aisle (well, the opposite direction really, but does it matter?), and how is she supposed to stand across from him while their families are joined when she can't even look him in the eye after last night.

For a weak moment, she regrets not postponing her break-up with James until she's back in New York, safely away from all of this. But no. She forcefully reminds herself that while she is back in her home town, she is not 17 anymore and James is not Dean. History will not repeat itself, not this time.

Mercifully she is distracted by the hair stylist, and then her grandmother, and Sookie and there are a million things to keep her busy until the ceremony. She can't think about this now.

* * *

The ceremony is beautiful. The atmosphere between her and Jess is tense, and he doesn't make eye contact as she walks down the aisle, but she forgets everything the second Lorelai arrives. Her mother is so beautifully, breathtakingly happy, it illuminates her whole face, it is hard not to be captivated by that moment. Because this really is it for Luke and Lorelai, this is the end to years and years of build-up emotions and struggle to get exactly to where they are.

"Luke", her mother says, voice trembling, "You know I have not always had everything figured out. My path to where I am now was messy and complicated sometimes. But you have been my rock, my anchor, the person to keep me grounded, the person to lean on, long before we fell in love. You helped me raise my daughter. You have done so many amazing things for me and for everyone else you care about for as long as I know you and you never ask for anything in return. Today, I promise in front of our family and friends, to try my best to make you as happy as you make me. I love you"

"Lorelai", Luke clears his throat, "I am not a man of many words. You amaze me every day. And I am honored that you chose to spend your life with me. You taught me to put my trust in someone else and that is the most valuable gift I have ever received. I promise to be by your side for all days to come. I love you."

"Do you, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, take Lucas William Danes to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward as long as you both shall live?" " I do", Lorelai whispers, her eyes shining with unshed tears of happiness.

"And do you, Luke William Danes, take Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward as long as you both shall live?" "I do", Luke vows, his voice overcome with emotions.

Rory can see her mother's hands shake slightly as they exchange rings.

"Lorelai and Luke, you have each chosen to be joined in marriage today. In the presence of your family and friends, you have exchanged vows and made promises. You have opened your hearts to one another, declared your love and friendship, and have united yourself with the exchanging of rings. Therefore, it is my pleasure to now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride!"

And as her mother and Luke kiss for the first time as husband and wife underneath the chuppa he made for her all those years ago, while the town cheers on them, Rory feels her heart surge with profound happiness for her mother, for Luke, for this entire crowd of people that has come together to witness their happy ending.

Then Jess offers his arm to her to walk her down the aisle after the happy couple, their eyes meet for a second and she can see the same emotion reflected in his dark orbs.

* * *

The reception is a huge success. Sookie of course did a brilliant job on the catering, to Kirk's displeasure, there are many "yummy" bartenders, Hep Alien and Kirk's surprisingly decent DJ-ing skills have everyone on the dance floor in no time. Emily gives a wonderful toast in Richard's stead, leaving Lorelai with a lump in her throat. Rory and Jess each give their respective speeches, earning laughter and cheers from the crowd. As Luke and Jess gruffly embrace after his best man's speech, Lorelai leans over to Rory and whispers:"Was that part about courage to admit your feelings about you? It's the right time frame" "I don't know", Rory denies, while silently relieved Jess hasn't chosen to change his speech after the events of last night, going over his words in her head again and again.

 _"I knew Luke was in love with Lorelai the first time I witnessed them together. Of course, Luke was stubborn and refused to admit it. I used to tease him about it. I never thought he'd be brave enough to make a move. But then, he surprised me. He gathered the courage to ask her on a date - not any date, my mother's wedding to be exact- when Luke does something, he does not do it half-halfheartedly, and when she said yes to him, Luke proved to me that courage is not foolish, but worth a shot. Because of Luke, I once asked a girl to be with me. And even though she said no, seeing him today,with Lorelai, is a quite convincing example why we should all keep trying. Patience is well rewarded."_

The next few hours flash in a blur. It seems everyone wants to talk to her, and she is grateful for the distraction. She catches up with Lane and her delightful god sons, accepts an awkward dance with Taylor, talks to her grandmother, that seems content to watch the entire event unfold and even occasionally compliments a waiter (her grandma really has mellowed a bit, Rory concedes) and generally has a good time. Occasionally she catches a glimpse of Jess and Quinn together, laughing, dancing, and quickly adverts her eyes. Quinn is beautiful, with dark red hair and olive skin. She is decisively more curvy than Rory, but in all the right places, and at least four inches smaller than her, making Jess look much taller than he is in comparison. It is hard to shake the feeling of guilt nagging at her conscience as she sees him smile at his girlfriend.

Later, as she sits at their table by herself for a moment, Jess makes his way over to her. "Care to dance?", he asks, offering her his hand. She searches the room for Quinn, who seems in deep discussion with Jackson over by the bar. Jess, following her glance, guesses correctly and says: "It's okay with her. Besides, it is tradition for the best man to dance with the maid of honor." He offers her a crooked smile.

"Okay", Rory mumbles, tentatively letting him pull her onto the dance floor. They remain silent for a while, swaying to the music, both relieved the song playing does neither require much movement nor body contact. "I noticed James isn't here", Jess breaks the silence. "We broke up last night...don't worry", she quickly adds. "I did it for me. Things haven't been right from the start with him, you just helped me realize that." He just nods."I am sorry about yesterday." Jess finally says. "It's alright.", Rory replies nervously. "We don't even have to talk about it anymore, I am so embarrassed it even happened in the first place." Sighting, he shakes his head. "I just need you to know...it's not because you don't affect me anymore", he admits. "It is because you do, more than you realize. And I'm so tired of the temptation, of the promises we will never follow through with. We just can't go back there, no matter the..draw we might still feel. And...", he hesitates, "I really care about Quinn." He looks at her apologetically. Rory wants to object, to tell him it it could be different - but his girlfriend is watching from across the dance floor and she knows she shouldn't, he shouldn't. Their timing is still wrong.

So instead she nods, slowly, and smiles at him, her lips only slightly quivering. "It is what it is- you, me." She places a tiny kiss on his cheek, the slightest brush of her lips, and leaves him standing on the dance floor.

She comes back to the party in time to see Lorelai and Luke off to their honeymoon, hoping no one will notice her slightly smudged mascara.

It is what it is. What it has always been.


End file.
